Talking Finances with Your Partner (or how happy I am that Mr. Briana puts up with my shenanigans)

Relationships are difficult. We need other people, and so we gravitate towards those who are similar to us or attractive to us or those who feel so much like kindred spirts it’s like you’ve known them for decades even thought its been days. Still, with all the similarities that may lie between you, just because you care about someone doesn’t mean you’ll always agree. My best friends and I all went to different colleges, and while they think their college is the best, mine actually is (#GoDores).

Disagreements can spill over into all aspects of life, and though finances are so rarely talked about amongst friends and partners, it’s an area that often causes a lot of strife. In fact, one of the leading causes of divorce in the United States stems from disagreement over finances. To be honest, I was never really set on getting married. I heard a statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce*, and I decided that it really wasn’t worth it.  If I do get married (which let’s face it, I’m a catch and probably will), I don’t plan on getting divorced. I don’t think anyone gets married and plans on getting divorced. To me, that means it’s important for my partner and I to be transparent about what we want in our relationships and in our lives so that we can support each other; that includes finances. Though money conversations are hard, it’s important to have them, both in your friendships and your romantic partnerships. If you’re interested in having these conversations, that’s great! I’ve laid out some different ideas to get you started. When breaching these topics, it’s a little scary at first, but in the end, I get to learn a little more about my partner.

*Recently, I learned that this is a pretty old statistic, and divorce rates are actually declining, which is great!

Some Background

I’ve been dating Mr. Briana** for almost a year and a half, and he is my first boyfriend. To be honest, I don’t really know how relationships are supposed to work. Over this year and a half, we’ve visited several cities together, ate some amazing meals, and played too many rounds of pool. We’ve also got into our fair amount of arguments, disagreements, and, for me, even uncovered some insecurities as we went from living an hour away from each other to thousands of miles away. Through this, I’ve learned how important it is to communicate clearly with another person, how fun it is to have a Partner-in-Crime, and how fulfilling it is do things just to make someone else happy. It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s been great learning together.

When we first started dating, Mr. Briana paid for EVERYTHING. While I love to be wined and dined, I’m also an independent woman who don’t need no man. I started to get annoyed with him trying to pay for everything; I wanted to pay for things too. Then, our stubbornness escalated to the point where sometimes I would take his card out of the restaurant folder thing, so I could pay for our food, or sometimes he would cover the card reader at the gas pump so he could pay (for my gas for my car??? (He wanted me to clarify that he was in the car, so he was also using it…like that matters)). It was really exhausting and frankly, really unnecessary for both of us. We were doing so many things as a unit, but our financial expectations of each other were disconnected. We’ve started to get better at maintaining a healthy balance, but, it didn’t happen without putting in the work. Here’s some of the things that have worked for us over the course of our relationship.

**I will refer to my partner as Mr. Briana because 1. He’s a Capricorn and enjoys his privacy, and 2. On some finance blogs I read (aka Frugalwoods and Mr. Money Mustache) they refer to their partners as Mr./Mrs. *insert blog name here* and I think it’s so fun to call someone Mr. Briana

Mission Statements

I discovered J.D. Roth’s guide to making a mission statement (this link will take you straight to the guide) through the Afford Anything podcast. I loved the process J.D. Roth had for helping me realize my values without overtly saying “What are your values?” Oftentimes, what we think and what they really are don’t necessarily align. I did this mission statement on my own, then over Thanksgiving break, Mr. Briana did it with me. This was a big ask because it involves two things Mr. Briana isn’t super fond of: sitting still for long periods of time and answering random questions. Still, he was a trooper (especially since we took a nap and made dinner in between sections).

After each section, we shared our answers with each other. It was really cool to see the places where we aligned. We both really love travel and exploring the world, and we don’t necessarily care about being in one place for a long time. On the other hand, it was super valuable to see where we differed, and how we could support each other in our differences. Mr. Briana really values health and exercise, and I prefer sitting around watching sitcoms. Now, knowing how important these things are to him, I make an effort to go on walks and not complain (THAT MUCH). As for me, I really value community and spending time in groups, and my poor introvert baby happily comes along to parties and whatever events I can conjure up. Even if you aren’t in a relationship, I am a HUGE proponent of the mission statement. As Lewis Carroll says, “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there.”

Money Talks

This past February, Mr. Briana and I spent our first Valentine’s Day together (last year, we weren’t together on February 14^th, so even though we celebrated later I’m not counting it). On Valentine’s Day, I flew to Portland, and we enjoyed a dinner and got scammed at a Valentine’s event (or as Mr. Briana said, “we paid money to get a lesson.” That lesson was we’re not wasting money on these things anymore). After, I decided to take a page from Mrs. Frugalwoods and ask Mr. Briana the “8 Money Questions To Ask Your Partner This Valentine’s Day”.

I personally love reading and answering questions, but it’s not super fun for everyone. I reminded Mr. Briana about these questions, he visibly and audibly sighed. Still, they brought about some great and intense conversation. Great because some of the questions made us dive into our childhood and family and it was really cool to share with each other how we were raised. Intense because, well, take the first question:

Where do you want to be in ten years and in twenty years in terms of our finances, our family/lifestyle, and our careers?

Mrs. Frugalwoods

This feels like a big question to ask to anyone let alone your first boyfriend! Regardless, sharing with each other about the future you want lets you know really quick whether those futures align. While I want to retire early, and Mr. Briana is still not entirely convinced, there’s so much more that converges that makes it okay.

Communication

I would be remiss if I didn’t talk about communication as an important part of talking finances in a relationship. Not only do you have to talk to each other, but you have to do it effectively. That’s the tough part. Like I mentioned earlier, I’m still working on doing this better, but here are some ways that helped me.

via GIPHY

Framing conversations

If I just start asking Mr. Briana random questions, he won’t respond well. Either he tells me he doesn’t know, or he gets pouty. I’m like this too except usually after we’ve walked 20,000 steps in one day and we aren’t even near home. When I want to have a big convo, I usually give Mr. Briana a heads up. The first time this happened, I was worried about becoming Long Distance, so I told Mr. Briana that I wanted to have a Deep Talk later. For some reason, it stuck, so whenever we have something relatively big to discuss, we tell each other we want to have a Deep Talk (later, or tomorrow, or whenever). That way we both have time to think about our answers, and we don’t get overwhelmed thinking about the big picture.

Using “I” Statements

When I first approached Mr. Briana about how I felt with him paying for everything, I said “when you pay for everything, it makes me feel like you’re trying to be my pimp, and I don’t like feeling that way.” Yes, it was overdramatic, but YES, it was also how I felt at the time. Using “I” statements allows you to express yourself without coming at someone else in an accusatory way. If I told Mr. Briana, “You’re trying to pimp me out, and you’re gonna be sorry you ever tried it with me”, maybe things would be a little different.

This strategy isn’t just great in romantic relationships. It’s a great way to approach conflict in any situation because you’re coming from your perspective. When both people are open to seeing another’s perspective, great progress can be made. Of course, a lot of times that’s easier said than done, but we can start to be better.

Be Vulnerable

This is the hardest one for me. While I do consider myself a textbook oversharer (why else would I be posting my Net Worth each month?), I carefully curate the types of things I’m willing to overshare. My feelings don’t often make the cut. Over time, I’ve been learning how important it is to just be honest about my feelings, instead of trying to make them digestible for my partner. If I leave things unsaid, they’ll just fester into resentment. I’m scared to share because I feel like Mr. Briana will get annoyed or stop liking me. Instead, 10 times out of 10, he’s super understanding and makes me appreciate him more. Vulnerability is a learned trait. I don’t think it’s engrained in us, and I don’t think it’s an easy thing; that makes it so much more powerful.

Honorable Mention: The 36 Questions that Lead to Love

            Mr. Briana and I did this questionnaire about a month after we started dating, and it worked y’all! I got him. There’s a wide range of questions, and it allows you to learn some things that probably wouldn’t just come up in conversation. If you want to fall in love with me, I’ll gladly answer the questions with you!

Like, I’ve already said, having these conversations is NOT easy, but I think it’s so worth it. If you decide to have a #DeepTalk, let me know below. If you’re scared, tell me why. Slowly but surely we can take steps to having better money conversations, clearing out the stigma, and FINALLY CLOSING THE WAGE GAP! Let’s do this!

via GIPHY